Living in a joint family, especially during a global pandemic can be
daunting for some and a blessing for others.
And the one area where you have to constantly work on is Parenting.
While a nuclear set up is inviting because of the sheer freedom it
provides, Parents already raising their kids in a joint family say “they wouldn’t have it any other way”.
Namrata Bhagtani Sadhvani: a mom blogger and the city editor at the parenting portal momspresso from hyderabad says,
“Being a part of a joint family is a little bit crazy- fun, supportive, mad and very very noisy”
She went on to add that “they love the whole crazy part and wouldn’t have it any other way” And I couldn’t agree more.
Being a part of a large family myself, I know that my kids won’t ever get
lonely, I can take mini breaks when I feel like it, I can go to office without
having to worry about the kids….
But the biggest plus is that my kids get to live with their grandparents.
Have fun, listen to their stories and gain a bag full of knowledge that no
classroom or even parents can ever provide.
That being said, living and especially Parenting in a joint family is no
walk in a park. It comes with added responsibility of keeping the peace and
balance of the family intact.
“I think one of the biggest problem people face when attempting to stay together peacefully is the distribution of responsibilities- equitable distribution of all the work it takes to run a household so that no one faces undue pressure is the only way to keep the house running smoothly” – says Namrata.
Trust me, this pretty much solves any rift that may arrive between family
members. But when it comes to parenting, there is a whole set of other
struggles that Parents may face.
Here are a few Parenting challenges that you may face in a joint family:
- Increased Screen Time
- Increased Sugar Intake
- Child may be Subjected to stereotypical beliefs
- Discipling the child
- Too many authoritative figures
These may be the struggles that Parents usually face in large families
but once you tackle them nice and proper, life becomes a blessing with all the advantages of having more people around. BUT HOW?
How to overcome Parenting struggles in a joint family?
Lets address them individually:
1. Increased screen time:
The living room is often the most used room in a big family. Most of the
hang out sessions happen here. But with a lot of people living together with
different schedules and varied interests, the living room TV might be ON for
long stretches of day, especially on weekends.
This might lead to increased screen time with all the passive watching.
While you can not control everyone’s screen time in the family, you can
definitely limit your child’s.
You could try keeping an everyday slot for the TV time and make it clear that the time you agreed upon is the only screen time your kids get. If they watch on other times even passively, you will cut down on their own slot. This works most of the time for a little older kids.
For toddlers, make a designated corner somewhere away from the TV. Make it interesting enough with your child’s favourite toys, books and other stuff that they can spend time on independently.
Read more on designated kids corner in this 2 part series in Instagram Or Search my hashtag #dedicatedkidscorner and it will take you there.
2. Increased Sugar Intake:
Grandparents love to pamper the kids, we all know that. A few chocolates and candies here and there might not be a big deal for them, but it might be for you as a parent.
It takes a lot of effort to build good habits and a second to snap back.
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So here is how I personally tackled this issue. My kids are allowed to eat
candies and other junk food only on Sundays. It is a rule that we implemented right from the very start so the kids have taken to it well without much objection.
Now every time, they receive chocolates and other stuff from anyone, they
take it politely and keep it in the fridge. But they eat it only on next
Sunday.
There are slip ups ofcorse, they are kids after all but everyone knows the
rule by now.
3. Subject to stereotypical beliefs:
When you are into gender neutral Parenting, you know how difficult it is to
keep all the biased beliefs and statements away from the child.
In India specifically we have a few notions that I am sure most grandparents and other adults use when they talk lovingly to the kids like-
“Doodh pilo, gore gore ho jaoge” (Have your milk, you will get fair)
“Ladke nai rote” (Boys don’t cry)
“Chai pine se kale ho jaate hain” (You will dark, if you have tea)
While these are said with good intentions we all know how it affects a
child’s mind. They automatically assume that fair is good or dark is bad. And the sexist remarks are the worst of all!! The patriarchal society that we live in today is the outcome of such innocent remarks passed on over the years!!
It is very important to at least try to educate our family members and make
them aware of the prejudice. Talking about how you feel about them openly and politely can surely take care of such things.
4. Disciplining the child:
I am a gentle Parent and don’t say NO to my kids very often. But I do have
some strict rules.
Like 8:30 -9:00 pm bedtime
Chocolates and junk food only on Sundays
But when your parenting ideologies do not match with other family members, it can be a little difficult to hold on to the ground rules there. Kids are smart these days. They know who to approach to get what they want. So its very important that the adults in the family are all on the same page.
For eg, My 5 year old sometimes sleeps in her grandparents’ room. Now I
was delighted when she was ready for the shift but the main concern was, My father in law watches TV late until 11:00 pm. Now every time I ask her to go to bed, and if she doesn’t want to, she insists that she sleeps downstairs with hers grandparents.
I talked to them about it and let them know that although I love it when they have Pearl over, her sleeping early is very important. And that would only happen if they create a nice sleeping environment in their room around her bedtime.
It did take a little time but when they saw her waking up cranky the next day a few times, things changed automatically.
Open communication is the key here.
5. Too many authority figures:
When you have two or more generations living together, there has to have a
difference in opinion.
While I am okay with a messy home if the kids are happy and active, my MIL may not. I am okay if the kids don’t study right away, but others may feel its wrong.
It may be confusing for the child if they hear conflicting opinions on a
regular basis. And when everyone tries to intervene, discipline or correct the child in their own way, it gets all the more chaotic. So be very clear about it right from the start. Parents have to have that authority over others in the family.
That being said, never underestimate the knowledge and experience of our
elders. Their suggestions are always very helpful and practical. Be open to discussions. Include them in your decisions, seek help and let them know that they are valued no matter what. After all they are family!
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