By now you all know, how smooth my second pregnancy has been so far. I am quite healthy, active and most of the times with my sanity intact even while taking care of a 2 year old highly energetic monkey of a toddler.
What most of you and even people around me have no idea about is what I am going through emotionally. They say pregnancy is easier the second time around but what no one tells you is, it will be a thousand times more difficult ‘Emotionally.’
Every night, as I twist and turn and try to fight off my pregnancy insomnia, I look at my little one sleeping peacefully beside me. (You know we co-sleep and my thoughts on sleep-training. Don’t you?). And when I see that beautiful face, I am welled up with an emotion so strong, tears start rolling to my cheeks. And I don’t know if those tears are the happy ones or of guilt.
Guilt I say, because the one who has been my center of the world, the one who got our undivided attention, love and time fully and completely will now have to share all of these and much more. Because there is going to be yet another tiny being would want and deserve everything equally.
As happy as we are about the arrival of our ‘chhota baby’ (as Pearl calls it), I can’t ignore the fact that this little girl will not be an only child anymore.
That she will have to share the snuggles, cuddles and kisses…That there won’t be just us anymore…
That her shrieks and loud laughter that we enjoy so much now will have to be hushed just because there would be a small baby who took 2 hours of rocking and mama’s sanity to finally go to sleep… and that is so not fair to her…
That however much she keeps saying now that..
“mama, I will take my chhota baby on my lap…”
“I will play with my chhota baby….”
or “When will the chhota baby be out of your tummy…”
There will be moments when she will feel that attention slipping away from her to someone else….
That at times she would want to be held by mama because you know she is small too, yet mama won’t be able to right away… Because I would be holding/nursing/tending to another sweet tiny heart of mine who is yet to understand the concept of waiting… But she, my elder knows it quite well…
I think of all these and thousand other situations alike and I can’t help but feel sorry for my elder child, my precious little Pearl!
Of course there will be more joyful times too..
I have seen how happy Pearl gets when I visit my parents and she is surrounded with so many cousins there. Her excitement is a testament of how she loves company.
I can’t wait to see that very excitement in her eyes, when she finally gets to look at and touch the chhota baby she has been talking so happily about for months. I know I have gifted her a friend in the form of a sibling…. That they will share a special bond one day…
But for now all I know is that my elder child is small too… So while we wait (ever so excitedly) for our little bundle of joy, we are enjoying our “we time” each passing second of each passing day. Because when the time comes when we become a family of four from three, there won’t be any regret of having lesser time spent with our elder child.
May be she won’t remember these special moments, of times before the baby, but I wish we have enough stories to tell, experiences shared, moments of unadulterated happiness…and those moments lived and frozen in a click to relive them forever… Its her time.. She deserves it…
I have heard a mother’s love can never divide. It only multiplies with each of her child and I just hope with all my heart that it holds true for me as well.
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This is the second post of the #secondpregnancy series. If you haven’t read the first one yet, go ahead do it now. “How To Manage Pregnancy while raising a toddler.”
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